The title of this post is the first thing that came to mind when I got the news. Only I’m more the one to think that the body tends to reflect the state of the mind. It’s obviously not the case all the time, but I do think that the mind is powerful enough, and when you know how to listen to your body you can see how it reacts to it.
When I’m under a lot of stress, I lose a lot of hair, when I’m sad I lose appetite and I lose weight and my eyes look like they have no life anymore. And when I feel happy, the positive energy flows through my body. The contrary works too, when I’m not happy with my body, my mind doesn’t feel happy either. And for over a year, my body has suffered a lot from my mental stress and I thought it was over. Until that moment you start noticing things and you know, you know deep down that something is wrong.
When I was a teenager and I started getting pimples, I can still hear my mum tell me that it was my anger that was coming out of me because I’m not an angry person and that it made me look ugly. Don’t laugh, but yes in my early teens I was angry. And she used to say that I had to let it out. I know today that she said that so I could control/handle my emotions and just deal with them. The funny part is I never suffered from acne or any other pimple during my puberty.
So when the doctor told me I had a cyst of 6cm in my body, that memory came to mind. My body was creating something that isn’t supposed to be part of me. but it was there and I was so focused on my mental health that I only started paying attention to my body after. But the fact that it wasn’t part of me reassured me. We can take it out. Thankfully it’s nothing serious, but they still had to confirm it through an MRI, and that’s where I knew that they were going to find something else.
And there it was, hearing that I had indeed a 6cm cyst on my ovary ( it’s liquid, but they still want to take it out) and that I have endometriosis. First thing I said: I knew it. I think I always knew I had it but I had no symptoms besides the menstrual pain (which are horrible) and everyone including the doctor was always saying you are a woman and unluckily you suffer from that pain. So yes I was a little bit angry with the doctor that she didn’t do anything when I asked her about it a couple of years ago.
It’s a bit like in a movie when the person gets bad news and they don’t hear the doctor explaining the problem because their mind zones out. Well, it was exactly the same. I was trying to focus on what the doctor was explaining and the solution but my mind kept going away. The whole ride home I tried to think that everything was going to be fine, that the surgeon will take everything out and then I’ll be done with it. A lot of women have it so it’s not something unknown and I can’t die from it. I was rationalizing as much as I could. But then it hits and the mind starts going on that negative spiral: what if they can’t get everything, what if it spreads, what if I have to get more surgery, what if I can’t get pregnant, what-if and more what if’s.
I’m happy that Céline called me and explained the procedure again, I asked as many questions as I could and she was amazing. The crying stopped and I was able to focus on getting an appointment and to just focus on the solution of the surgery. But the next day my sadness just became anger. I was angry and was being mean. Trying to think that it was something that my body has been creating due to the mental stress I had wasn’t helping, because I know I might live with that for the rest of my life. It was some of those days where it was just all black.
I know that there are people with worse things than that, but it’s that feeling that something is wrong with the part that makes me a woman. With that part that gives life and gives hope for a better world. It’s that part that’s so intimate. And when you know that one day you want to have children it just gets you and it hurts.
Today, when I’m writing this I feel better. My emotions have calmed and I can think more clearly. I’m also happy to see that all the therapy sessions that I have had are helping me even with this. I know I got this, I know I can handle it. Positive thinking, and maybe that will help my body to heal better and faster. We always talk about how mental health is important but physical health is important too and I’m still convinced that they influence each other.
When I’ll read this post years from now, that’s what I want to remember. I was able to listen to my body, that I can’t put all my attention on one part and forget the other. It’s all about the right balance. Now I just need to trust that all will be fine and take it step by step. The same way I healed my mind, I will heal my body.