Was I in denial? Was I naive? Did my positive mindset help? Or was I just able to control my mind? I don’t know. What I do know is, that from the moment I had the appointment with my surgeon, I was calm. I listened to what they were going to do. I listened to him explaining what the disease was and how they couldn’t confirm the gravity of it until they opened me up. I was nodding, I looked at my MRI scan and I left thinking: I trust him, it’s going to be fine, he is going to take that thing out and it will be over, I will finally have healed. Having a friend that explained that told me her experience also helped I think. I was prepared.
It worked, that thing I did. The operation happened 3rd of September and until then I was fine. I was able to talk about it without crying and don’t think I was afraid. The night before I hadn’t slept because of the stomach ache I had after vomiting the second bottle of laxative (I felt like swallowing acid, HORRIBLE) and I was so hungry. So when the nurse asked me if I was stressed, I said that I probably was, but that I couldn’t wait to sleep. I wanted to sleep so badly. Maybe I wanted it so bad, because I knew that the next time I would open my eyes, it would be gone. That was my goal, I wanted to heal my body. My final step towards a full recovery of mind and body.
Only this was a simplified illusion. I was not done healing my body. Even though the operation was a success (That’s what the doctors told me), the surgeon was able to take my cyst out without any complication, as well as taking all the endometriosis out of my body. He seemed so pleased. He also told me that the chances of it coming back were low. Only for this to be true I needed to put my body to a 3 months rest. menopause. Something to add to my list of things I did before my Thirties! After that, I’ll be back to taking the pill with no pauses, to avoid getting my periods and this until I wish to get pregnant and that will be another adventure. Although, let’s not focus on this at the moment.
You know, when you hear about the traitement it makes sense and you think: GREAT no period, means no pain, no inconvenience, no feeling bloated or low energy. I felt good, I was pleased. I only had to concentrate on getting better and 2 weeks later I would be back to my feet and jumping everywhere again. That part was finally pretty easy. It was uncomfortable, sometimes very painful, you become dependent of someone, but that was okay. To be honest it was my state of mind that wasn’t doing great.
A week after the surgery, the day of the first injection to start the menopause. That’s where I realized that for the endometriosis not to come back I would need to fill my body of hormones and stop something that makes you a woman. my periods. I mean, I never minded having my period, I did mind the pain. That pain is horrible, it clouds my mind and shakes my body in ways it’s difficult to explain. I would have loved not to ever take heavy medication, but I couldn’t live my life without it. I’m the type of person that doesn’t want the pain to control my life. Although having periods is normal, I had to artificially stop them so my body would stop creating those tissues in my body. At that moment I realized that the endometriosis will always be a part of me. I was there, on my couch and the tears were rolling down my cheeks. The only thing I could think was that I had to have faith that it didn’t mean I couldn’t have what I wanted or live a normal life. I can, I know I can and I will. But I’m not going to lie, it’s hard to accept knowing you have to live with a disease, any disease.
Today I’m writing, it’s been over two weeks since the surgery and I can feel the menopause kicking in. I’m sensitive, very sensitive. Sometimes I just want to cry. Or is it still my mind trying to find ways to accept my new reality? Who knows. In any case, I know myself, I’m resilient, and I know I’m strong and have a lot of willpower. I know it. I’m trying to focus on the fact that what was never meant to be in the first place is now gone and that’s what I wanted. I have been reading stories of women going through the same things but how more I read about how more I’m thinking: but this isn’t me! That’s also hard. These women have endometriosis, but they live it completely different than me, they seem to suffer so much more of it than me. So now I’m wondering, will this be me in a couple of years? I don’t want this to become the main chapter of my life. I don’t mind talking about it and don’t mind creating awareness around this topic that is still such a complicated thing to understand. I just don’t want this to be a sad or bad story or memory.
So I’m going to try to focus on the positive side of it. Also, maybe that will help me not to become that angry person because of the endometriosis. In some very strange way, that surgery also brought me a lot of clarity on something very specific in my life. When I opened my eyes I felt like a vail fell down, I could see clearly now. I know it’s weird, but it’s the best way I can describe it. Maybe that thought helped me too.
Anyhow, endometriosis is now part of my life, and I know it will be hard at certain moments, but it will all be fine. I want to convince myself of that. Like I said in my previous post, mind and body influence each other and now that my body was finally healing too I feel ready to move forward. I know I still have a long way to go to be where I want to be, healing is a process like they say and you need a lot, A LOT of patience. I do hope that the people surrounding me will also be patient with me when I go through my mood swings! I promise it’s not me, it’s the menopause!
Let’s hope now that my mind and body can get some rest, they have had quiet some hectic moments.
Love,
Brenda
brendawithlove.com 